And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Randomize
