I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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