It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
