i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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