She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
