Your mouth is God's brothel.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
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