he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
