: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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