I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
