my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
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