So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Randomize
