Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Randomize
