A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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