just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Randomize
