Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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