they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Randomize
