I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Randomize
