Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Randomize
