I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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