how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
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