dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
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