OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
