I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
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