Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
