Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
