after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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