maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
this beer tastes like vomit already
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
