I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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