You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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