Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I just googled if crying burns calories
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Randomize
