I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
