you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
