i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
