8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Sorry about my life...
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Randomize
