Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I have grass duct taped all over my body
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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