took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Randomize
