Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
