i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Randomize
