If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
