do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
