It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
the liver wants what the liver wants
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
