Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
