she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
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