I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Randomize
