I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I'm like, not good at living.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
