i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I just found a bag of teeth...
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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