My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
FUCK WHALES
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
