It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
