I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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