My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
