Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
