It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Randomize
