Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
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