Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
