I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
