u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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