My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
