Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
